Dear Journal, September 20, 2001
Grief may only be five letters and one syllable but it’s the word used to describe the deep sorrow and loss. There are many things that can cause it but the main one is the death of someone that you care about. It comes in stages, five to be exact, or at least that’s what they all say. They being the internet and Dr. Rivers my new psychiatrist that Mom has decided I should go to. All we’ve talked about is grief so far like what it is, what causes it and what the stages are.
There’s denial; they say this is what helps us survive the loss of the person who died. It’s a state of shock, you wonder how to keep going, or why you should. Denial helps us cope and is completely natural. Then there’s anger, which is considered a necessary stage of grief. This anger can extend and be released to others that are close to you. But this anger is considered a strength. It can be used as an anchor. The third stage is bargaining, bargaining for you to take their place or change a behavior to get them back. It takes us back in time to fix the events that happened. You say “if only…” causing us to blame ourselves and think about all of the things you could have done differently. Stage four is depression, this is where empty feelings start to form and the grief enters on a deeper level. This stage feels like it will last forever, and you withdraw from life and stop doing regular things you normally would. The last stage is acceptance, the one I never think I’ll be able to get to. This isn’t being okay with what has happened, you will never feel okay about the loss but you have accepted reality as the permanent reality. You will learn to live with this reality that the person you cared about is gone forever. This often means that you won’t be able to return back to the way your ‘norm’ used to be, you have to readjust. Acceptance may just be having more good days than bad days. It may feel like you’re betraying the one you lost but you have to remember that you will never replace the one you lost, but you will make new relationships and friends, have new adventures. This is where you stop ignoring your feelings and embrace them. Acceptance allows us to grow and change.
My counselor, Dr. Rivers, went through these stages at great length during my first session. She thinks that I’m still in stage one, and she might be right. I don’t want to go to counseling, but I have to, and I feel like I might regret it later if I don’t go. Dr. Rivers is trying to help me understand the stages of grief so I can make it through them. Mom practically begged me to go, I didn’t say this, but I think that she should go to one too, so I went. She said she’s worried about losing me too. It scares everyone because I have a history of depression, but I don’t feel the same as I do during a ‘depressive episode’. I don’t want Mom to be worried but I also don’t have the ability right now to hide how I’m feeling. I miss Anna, I know I say that almost every day but it’s true. I miss her so much.
~Marlee
Dear Journal, September 21, 2001
I got a letter from the school today. They told me, again, that they’re sorry for my loss, and say that Anna was wonderful, and a bunch of stuff like that. They also said that I shouldn’t worry about school and I should stay home as long as I need to. Along with the letter, there were cards from kids at school, all saying they miss me and hope I’m doing well. None of them seem genuine, but that’s to be expected, I have never had many friends. There was also a giant packet of homework with notes from teachers, most of them say that I can do them if I’m feeling up for it. I might actually do some, I think homework might be able to distract me and help me calm my mind. Part of my mind has been in a constant state of panic because of how unproductive I’ve been lately, which could be helped by doing homework, but the other part of my mind is just on pause, all it can think about is the crippling facts about Anna’s death. It keeps going through the whole chain of events leading up to it and what I learned about her death, how she died. I know that there’s nothing I could have done but I still wish that I could have stopped it.
I had another silent session with Dr. Rivers. I still don’t feel like talking about my feelings. She mostly tries to get me to talk and I just nod my head. My view is that at least I’m going. That’s a step, right? Anna would disagree with me, but she almost always did anyway. Anna would tell me to talk about what’s going on inside my head. I’m not allowed to just write the feelings down, like I am, I have to talk about them. That’s exactly what she’d tell me if she was here. Then again, if she was here I wouldn’t be seeing a counselor at all or even be in this situation.
Cam has been such a good boyfriend, I mean he’s always a good boyfriend, but I know that I’m not the easiest to deal with right now. I’ve continuously pushed him away because I haven’t been feeling like a people person lately. He has respected my space and whenever I’ve needed him or asked for him he’s always come to my aid like a knight in shining armor. He brought me flowers accompanied by chocolates, watched movies with me, and just laid in bed with me, cuddling for hours. I think that he’s missed almost as much school as I have, but he said he’s not falling behind and wants to be here for me when I need him. Getting through this would be a lot harder if I didn’t have him. I keep thanking him and he just acts like it’s nothing. I wish I knew a way, or had the energy to, show him how much it means to me.
~Marlee
Dear Journal, September 23, 2001
It is Sunday yet again, or at least I think it is I haven’t really been keeping track, to be honest. I think I’m going to go back to school tomorrow. I know it may be soon, or maybe it’s not, but still I feel like I’m ready. It’s been a few weeks and I’m starting to lose my mind just sitting at home. I have been doing school work and that has helped so I think that going back to school could help too. Mom thinks that I’m crazy and should stay home longer. She’s planning another 2-3 weeks at home, but I just can’t do that. If I stay at home I’m just going to sit in bed thinking of Anna, and right now that does not help the not wanting to cry anymore thing. It really sucks, I don’t know how Mom can do it right now, let alone another few weeks.
Mom was so distraught about me wanting to go back to school that she actually took me to an “emergency session” at Dr. Rivers. She called the office while we were already in the car and on our way. I didn’t know what to expect when walking in there. What she would say or do, or tell my mom was all a mystery. My mom sat down and as soon as her butt hit the couch she started ranting to Dr. Rivers. I think I almost saw her eyes roll back into her head while listening to my Mom. After a lot of nodding and mmhmms Dr. Rivers asked me why I wanted to go back to school. Unlike other times I gave a verbal response. I told her my reasons like I told you and she just got up, looked at my mom, and said, “That is a perfectly good reason to go, and this is progress.”. Then she walked to the door and held it open for us to leave. Mom stayed quiet the whole car ride home. Mom’s still resistant but I’m going tomorrow.
~Marlee
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